Perfectionism
1: the quality or state of being perfect: such as
a: freedom from fault or defect : FLAWLESSNESS
b: MATURITY
c: the quality or state of being saintly
2a: An exemplification of supreme excellence
b: an unsurpassable degree of accuracy or excellence
3: the actor process of perfecting
There is the balance in life of healthy striving and improvement that is self-focused, perfectionism is often other focused - what will they think? We all need to make improvements in our life, work hard or practice to achieve certain things in our life, but at what cost to ourselves and others?
If you have watched Michael Jordan’s “The Last Dance” you saw the many faces of perfectionism. His unwavering dedication, grueling physical practices, and commitment to being the absolute best and bringing the Bulls to multiple championships…at whatever cost. We find out in the series that he JUST wanted the approval, love, and validation of his father. He was one of the greatest American Basketball players and hailed as an icon, but also despised by many for his cutthroat approaches. I bring this up, not to pick on Michael, but to bring up the idea of SOFTENING to perfectionism.
Most of us humans desperately try to control life. We get stressed out when our days don’t go as planned — there is terrible traffic going to a dinner party, our partner comes home sick and we have to cancel a vacation, a client doesn’t want to work with us anymore, or our child is throwing a meltdown tantrum at the nice restaurant. Our home has to be organized in a particular way, and so does our schedule. Our physical appearance and clothes need to look a certain way…or else we may not get the external validation that makes us feel good or “safe.” Often it doesn’t take much for any of us to feel frustrated, disappointed, and overwhelmed. We often like to control how others perceive us, so we show a very specific image: One of being calm, collected, poised, and put together, but on the inside, we’re anything but. Or we like to control the people in our lives, everything from their schedules to their actions. Either way, we need to have control. And it’s a need that often feels insatiable.
The demands of modern society have trained us to constantly comply, compete, and compare ourselves with others and consequently derive our worthiness mainly through external perspectives, judgments, and validations. Life in no longer considered a journey – it has become a competition, arace, with no apparent reward or finish line to reach.
“What do I know about myself that I can believe in, that I can appreciate? How many times have I proved to myself that I can overcome obstacles and accomplish what I intended to? And what were the innate qualities and strengths that allowed me to reach my goals? Take a little inventory of your successes,gifts, and talents to boost your awareness that you are truly no longer a helpless child.
Imagine the source of most of your negative self-talk is like the kid in the photograph. How would you comfort and reassure that younger self after you heard its anxious voice? What guidance would you give to that child, so that he or she can perceive reality in a more hopeful and positive way?
The Self- Compassion Break: One is self-kindness versusharsh self-judgment. The second is this sense of common humanity versus isolation – framing our experience in light of the imperfect shared human experience. Then, there is being mindful of our suffering, as opposed to ignoring it or maybe running with a dramatic story line.
“This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is part of life. May I be kind to myself in this moment. May I give myself the compassion I need. (When combined with a physical gesture, this can be incredibly powerful)
If you find yourself feeling bad about yourself or judging yourself, try making a physical gesture of self-compassion. Then using a kind tone of voice, say words that convey care and concern, like, “I’m so sorry it’s really hard for your right now.” “I’m here for you and you can rely on me.” Or, “I love you anyway.”
When we criticize ourselves, we reinforce the illusion of control – that we should have been able to do it perfectly. It’s almost scarier to acknowledge the reality that we aren’t perfect, aren’t in control, and can’t always do it the right than it is to acknowledge the pain of our own vulnerability.
That’s why the mindfulness piece, the awareness piece, is so important. The absolute starting point has to be noticing when self-criticism is happening. Mindfulness can help us develop a refined ear for the self-critical tone.
Why is that critical voice there? How is it actually trying to help me? Can I understand where it comes from beyond my early childhood experience? How is it trying to keep me safe?
If we look at self-criticism psychologically, it taps into the threat defense system: it triggers the amygdala; it releases cortisol; andit gears us up for the fight-or-flight response. This system evolved to deal with physical threats, like a lion chasing us, but the threat nowadays is our self-concept. So, when we see a flaw in ourselves, or we fail in some way, we feel endangered and that there is a big problem. There is a problem, but the problem is us. When we attack the problem, we attack ourselves. We release cortisol and adrenaline – causing us a lot of stress – all in an unconscious attempt to keep ourselves safe.
Works with all of our parts. The part of me that procrastinates, the part of me that gets angry, ortries to please people, for example, you may not like a part that feels bad about yourself or that is scared to move ahead, but once you get to know each part and find out what it’s actually trying to do for you, it’s easier to accept it.
The beautiful thing – is that all of our parts have a positive intent for us.
For example – your procrastination part may be saying,“Let’s not do it. Let’s avoid this because I want to keep you from failing and feeling bad.”
All it knows is : risks are dangerous, don’t go there, and don’t try to do that task. There’s an example of a part having a positive intent even its effect is negative.
It’s helpful to think of the parts like little people inside us with their own motivations and fears – even their own memories.
You go inside and feel a part in your body or get an image of what it looks like. Then you ask thepart questions silently and listen for its responses. It will tell you what it is trying to do for you or what pain it is trying to protect you from.
Defusion Methods- One might distill the self- judgment downto a single word and then repeat it out loud. For example: Ugly. Ugly. Ugly. The person suffering with poor body image would say this rapidly for 30 seconds. They might sing a song of “I’m ugly” or “I’m unloveable” to the tune of “Happy Birthday” or say it in a silly voice. Our research has shown that suchmethods quickly reduce the distress of such judgments and undermine their believability as their literal meaning drops away. This is a cognitive defusion.
If you’re a highly empathic person, you may not really develop a prioritization for self-acceptance – and you may allow yourself to become unimportant.
“Burning Contracts” -For instance, it might be that their mother was EXTREMELY obsessed with weight and they picked up that self-shaming behavior from her. In a way, holding on to that shame is a misguided way of honoring their mother. “I carry this for you mom.”
But alas….we all struggle with a degree of perfectionism and it all lands on a spectrum. Here are examples for you to ponder on which ones you struggle with the most:
-Over achieving
-Excessive Need for Control
-Over achieving
-Being a workaholic
-Anxiety
-All or Nothing Thinking
-Craving Approval
-Procrastination
-Lots of Guilt
-Feedback makes you defensive
-Having High Expectations of yourself and Others
-Body Obsession
-Clean Eating
-Appeasing people.
-Saying things to be “liked” or doing things that feel inauthentic to your soul.
-DOING versus BEING
THE NUMBER ONE rule that I tell all of my clients is that it is a DAILY practice. You don’t just wake up one day and scream to the mountaintops, “ I’m incredible! I’ll never feel insecure again! I love all parts of my body!! I’ll never fall into the traps of modern society that sell me all of the products and ideas of how to love myself!” BUT- you WILL feel days and moments where you feel such a deep connection to yourself……it’s like tapping into the infinite well of love (which can happen, when you commit to a daily practice of loving yourself).
Number 2.) Daily Meditation and Prayer: I am not a religious person but deeply spiritual. I believe in connecting with the space in between my thoughts, which I believe is the glitter gold essence of who we are – our soul – which is connected to infinite loving awareness. It helps me dismantle my ego on a daily basis and not listen to a lot of the bullshit it spews. Prayer helps me surrender to God, the Universe, Spirit - whatever you’d like to call it. My client who is an atheist calls it the “Niss Niss.” Surrender is a beautiful practice for those who like to control life – when life is MOSTLY out of our control.
Number 3.) Putting yourself and your voice out into the world. Stretching your comfort zone, vulnerability, and taking more risks. That makes us all feel more alive and connected to our life force energy. Write an article about something you are passionate about and post it on Medium. Don’t worry about the comments or how many people read it.
Number 4.) Remind yourself that life is not black and white. Some days you will feel on fire, creative, and in flow... Other days, you might pull back a bit, and listen to that. Knowing when to stretch yourself and when to pause.
Number 5.) Make an art piece or write about all of your parts of yourself. The part of you that procrastinates, the part of you that gets angry or tries to people please. All of our parts have their own motivations and fears. Look at what procrastination will say to you, “Let’s not do it. Let’s avoid this because I want to keep you from failing and feeling bad.” Go inside of yourself and feel a part in your body and listen for its responses. It will tell you what it is trying to do for you or what pain it is trying to protect you from.
Number 6.). Journaling Prompts:
-What do I know about myself that I can believe in, that I can appreciate?
-How many times have I proved to myself that I can overcome obstacles and accomplish what I intended to?
-What were the innate qualities and strengths that allowed me to reach my goals?
Number 8.) Remember what Tara Brach says, “Once we recognize our suffering from the trance of unworthiness, the first step towards healing is learning to pause. The second step towards healing is to deepen attention. It’s important to ask, “Beneath all of these negative thoughts, what’s going on in my body, in my heart, right now? If being with yourself in that way is uncomfortable, imagine bringing someone who is truly wise and compassionate helping you; this can serve as a bridge to bringing healing presence to yourself.”
Number 9.) Burning Contracts – I love this one and I borrowed it from Karla McLaren. Here is an example, if your mother was extremely obsessed with weight or looks and you picked up the same self-shaming behavior. In a way, you holding onto that shame is a misguided way of honoring your mother. I carry this for you mom. I like to physically burn things that I write out – in my backyard.
Number 10.) Inner Child work. When I notice that I’m triggered and it feels REALLY OLD. I ask myself, “What does little Gina need?” For YEARS I balked at my therapist when she would bring this up. I couldn’t access little Gina – nor did I want to….it sounded ridiculous to me. WRONG. Inner Child work is incredibly healing.
Now I’m going to walk you through an exercise of this before I wrap up.
Imagine something that has recently triggered you or upset an old wounded part of yourself. You can feel this when it feels very overwhelming to your nervous system…is the general clue in.
Now imagine your younger self who identifies with this same feeling.
Ask him or her? What Do you need?
Do you need to say something?
Do you need a hug?
Or to be listened to?
Bring in your current adult self.
Give that little you anything that they need.
Let them have a tantrum.
Let them sob.
Hold them while they feel anxious.
Say to yourself, “I am here for you. I love you and you are worthy. You are allowed to feel all of these messy feelings.”
