Control
“When you can’t control what’s happening, challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what’s happening. That’s where your power is.”
-William Walter
Most of us humans desperately try to control life. We get stressed out when our days don’t go as planned — there is terrible traffic going to a dinner party, our partner comes home sick and we have to cancel vacation, a client doesn’t want to work with us anymore, or our child is throwing a meltdown tantrum at the nice restaurant.
Our home has to be organized in a particular way, and so does our schedule. Our physical appearance and clothes need to look a certain way…or else we may not get the external validation that makes us feel good or “safe.”
Often it doesn’t take much for any of us to feel frustrated, disappointed, and overwhelmed.
We often like to control how others perceive us, so we show a very specific image: One of being calm, collected,poised and put together, but on the inside, we’re anything but. Or we like to control the people in our lives, everything from their schedules to their actions.
Either way, we need to have control. And it’s a need that often feels insatiable.
Here are the Four Noble Truths in Buddhism and an excerpt from “Wise Mind, Open Mind.” How to let go of control through this perspective:
The first noble truth: In life, there is suffering, because of the impermanent nature of things.
Because we feel more secure when we have a sense of predictability, we develop a great capacity for denying a simple truth: that nothing stays the same. Then the unpredictability of life shows us that even if we do everything "right" and exercise every precaution, we can still face unexpected loss. When this happens theshock can make it hard to regain your equanimity and exercise nonreactivity.Too often, rather than surrender to the inevitability of change and work creatively with it, people resort to the fear-based behavior of trying to take charge and force other people and situations to conform to their expectations.The first noble truth of Buddhism is a reminder not to slip into the avoidance behavior of denial. While it's not wise to create gloomy thoughts about how matters might take a turn for the worse, consciously ignoring the reality that all situations transform sets you up for a great shock when that time comes.
The second noble truth: Suffering is due to attachments and expectations, to grasping and clinging.
Your inability to avoid change may make you angry, sad, and frustrated. It can be hard to let goof the false belief that the only way to achieve happiness again is to regain what's been lost. Even when you know you can't reverse the situation, you may agonize over this reality.
Clinging to what oncewas, avoiding the process of grief and acceptance, causes paralysis. Grasping for a future set of circumstances identical to the past holds you back from discovering what better roads lie ahead, outside of your sight. The desire to backtrack or reconstruct will likely result in your walking around in circles,lost in the dark woods, instead of peering around corners to find new paths.
The third noble truth: It's possible to end suffering by giving up attachments(clinging) and expectations (grasping).
The shift in perspective that comes when we recognize that there's no such thing as a permanent sense of happiness begins our healing from suffering. The next step is to accept that we must broaden our definition of what we need in order to be happy, giving up the habits of clinging and grasping, as well as the need to control external circumstances.
After emerging from the shock of a great loss, we're even more despairing about the possibility of being joyful again. However, the third noble truth offers us the promise of a new way of living that's as satisfying, if not more fulfilling, than the old. It beckons us to begin the process of transformation.
The fourth noble truth: The way to end suffering due to clinging and grasping is through balance and living in the present.
It's important to balance a thirst for something better with an acceptance of what is, right now.Balance allows you to live in the present moment and trust that your acceptance will clear the mist of confusion and distractions, and show you the way to move forward into happiness again. Here's the paradox of change: until you can accept what is, you cannot move into what might be.
When we cling to the past or what no longer serves us, we contract ourselves to the point where we're unable to be nourished and invigorated by the present moment. We have to accept that what's past has truly passed in order to open up to what the present moment offers us. In this opening we become nourished, refreshed and revitalized.
By Ronald Alexander
Releasing control means more joy, freedom, peace, connection and support.
So here are 10 ways to let go of control and embrace the art of surrender:
1. Use imagery.
When you notice yourself in the control mindset, imagine trying to climb the steepest mountain there is.Think about the amount of energy, time and head space that's consumed by trying to climb this mountain. This is control. Embrace the freedom that comes with letting go and not having the need to climb this mountain.
2. Write down a fearlist.
Control is rooted in fear. We try to control things because we are scared about what might happen if we don’t. Remember that fear is an illusion. It's False Evidence Appearing Real.What are you really afraid of?
3. Write down what presence means to you.
Presence conquers all.With presence, you able to exactly what is happening in the moment. By embracing presence, there is trust and faith that you can handle what life presents you in the moment. This triumphs fear.
4. Ground yourself.
You're living in the future with the control mindset. You're already attaching yourself to expectations and setting yourself up for disappointment. So focus on grounding yourself. Maybe this means taking a walk in nature, calling a friend, or getting out of your home or office.
5. Embrace trust.
Trust means belief. And belief means you honor and respect yourself. This is where your self-worth comes in and you can let go of the need to control.
6. Use affirmations:
Practice saying these in front of the mirror:
I trust that everything will happen as it is intended to.
I honor and love myself.
There is no need to control; I am thankful for the opportunities I have been given so far.
7. Perform "esteemable" acts.
It's by performing"esteemable" acts that we gain self-esteem. Focus on doing these acts to combat the need to control. Maybe it means cleaning your home, organizing things that need to be organized, reaching out to a loved one, or journaling.
8. Reach out for support.
We weren't put here to be or feel alone. The more we feel as if we're stuck in a vacuum, the more the need to control takes over. So reach out to someone you value and trust, and talk about how you’re feeling.
9. Internalize the notion that you're not alone.
This ties into asking for support. You are not alone.Trust and accept this and practice saying it to yourself. There are eight billion other people in the world.
10. Make a freedom list.
Freedom means surrendering. It means you're at peace with yourself and have trust.
What does freedom mean to you? Write down a list, and remember the need to control minimizes everything on this list.
-LIFE in general
-The Universe
-Other people
-Their Behaviors
-Their Addictions
-Their traumas
-The Weather
-Traffic
-Society and the World at Large
(Doesn’t mean we can’t make an impact)
-Your beliefs
-Your attitude
-Your thoughts
-Your perspective
-Your activism
-Your breath
-How honest you are
-Who your friends are
-What books you read
-How often you exercise
-The type of food you eat
-How many risks you take
-How you interpret situations
-How kind you are to others
-How kind you are to yourself
-How often you say “I love you”
-How often you say “thank you”
-How you express your feelings
-Whether or not you ask for help
-How many times you practice gratitude
-How many times you smile today
-The amount of effort you put forth
-How you spend and invest your money
-How much time you spend worrying
-How often you think about your past
-Whether or not you judge people
-Whether or not you try again after a set back
-How much you appreciate the things you have
-Your self talk
-Your reaction to other people
-Your body language
-Your mental and physical fitness
